Working Mothers and The Invisible Load: 4 Strategies to Manage It
The dishes need to be loaded in the dishwasher. The laundry is piling up and the clothes aren’t going to wash themselves. The kids have a doctor’s appointments they need to be taken to. Who’s the lucky driver? Let’s not also forget planning dinner, assisting with homework and staying on top of the family’s never ending schedule.
This is a small glimpse into the invisible load of motherhood. Because the list is definitely longer. The invisible load of motherhood describes the unnoticed and uncompensated physical, mental, and emotional labor completed behind the scenes to keep households happy, healthy, and running smoothly. Compound this with mothers who work outside the home and you have now created what’s known as the “second shift”. The second shift refers to the household and childcare duties that follow the day's work for pay outside the home. While both men and women experience the second shift, women tend to shoulder most of this responsibility.
In 2019, Women in the Workplace reported that 40% of working mothers in dual career households are responsible for most if not all the household labor. As you can imagine, this number has skyrocketed since the pandemic.
Mothers, I hear you and see you! Although your partner may be assisting with some of the invisible labor, it’s far and few in between. So let’s figure out how to lighten the load a bit more.
Have a Conversation with Your Partner
It’s very important to set expectations and have a conversation with your partner about taking on additional tasks. Being honest about how you feel with your partner goes a long way. It allows them to see things from your perspective and may open the door to solutions.
Find a Support Group
Finding support groups of other working mothers helps to ease the feeling of isolation. It also is beneficial in having others to provide solutions and overall support in your struggles.
Set Boundaries with Your Children
Kids will certainly run you ragged if you allow them! Every boo-boo, question or random need is directed at mothers, which increases the emotional labor we carry on behalf of the family. However, we have permission to be unavailable from roles and the permission to ask for what we need.
This starts with announcing to our kids when we need a break or when we need to do something else. Examples include, “Mommy is going to stop playing and read for 30 minutes to have some me time now'“. Or “Mommy is going to stop playing to do the laundry”. The goal here is to make sure that you have stretches of uninterrupted time to focus on work, self-care, or leisure activities.
Allow Your Partner to Help
Sometimes we are complicit in our situations. We create this idea that if I don’t do it, then I’m not a good mom. Or that our partners won’t do it correctly, so we must be responsible for doing it. Both of these notions are unhealthy and contributes to the idea that mothers have to be involved in everything concerning our children. Challenging this idea and reframing it can help. The way your partner does things probably isn’t wrong; it’s just different. And even if your partner fails to do everything you do on a daily basis, your kids will nevertheless be just fine. It’s important to allow your partner to help and to “fail” as they learn to do everything you do!
Outsource Help
If at all possible, outsource help. Services like grocery delivery, house cleaning and laundry services can be a life saver. The money spent on these services are well worth your sanity and time.
The invisible load of motherhood is overwhelming. However, having tough conversations, delving into why we believe what we believe about family, motherhood, and relationships, and creating a system for sharing the labor in a manageable way so that both partners find freedom is important. Outsourcing allows you to spend more time with family and get the rest that you need.